Can't
by Gypsy Lupin-Black
Summary: McBeck. ANGST after the episode Sunday. Drabble format. Rodney slowly heals after Carson's death.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Can't

**Author: **Padfootthegrim AKA Gypsy Lupin-Black AKA Merrov

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Stargate, they probably wouldn't be suitable for general consumption.

**Rating: **PG-13, perhaps R later?

**Pairing: **Rodney McKay/Carson Beckett

**Warnings: **Extreme ANGST.

**Spoilers: **Sunday

**A/N: **In a bit of a mood tonight, and this is what happens. Depending on reader response and my moods, there may be more of this later. This has not seen a beta.

He knew people were looking for him. He knew his team was concerned about him. He knew that the research labs were probably in shambles with out him there. He knew that Zelenka was probably tearing his hair out and cursing his name in Czech by now. He knew that Elizabeth wanted him to work on the command consoles in Ops, that things were short circuiting for some unknown reason. He knew he was needed, knew he was getting radio calls from people all over the city, needing him to come check something, or fix something, or stop them from doing something stupid. He knew that Sheppard, Teyla, Dr. Heightmeyer, even Elizabeth and Ronon had all come by his quarters, had all pounded on the door, wondering if he was still alive in there. He knew he should eat something, but everything made him nauseous. He knew that if he didn't buck up and put something in his stomach he really would be in trouble.

He knew all of that. He just couldn't make himself care.

The real stinger was that even if he'd wanted the company (which he really didn't) no one really knew what he was going through. No one had been told, no one had seen them. It had been what they both wanted, out of fear, or maybe embarrassment, who knows. The point… the point was that people wondered how he was doing after his friend had died, when really, really what they should have been wondering was if he was still alive inside after his _lover _had died.

Carson.

He couldn't stop the sob that wracked his body. Couldn't stop the gut-wrenching sensations that thinking that name caused. Couldn't help hearing, over and over and over again, that voice over his headset, suddenly cut off by the sound of an explosion, quickly fizzing to nothing but static and… and then silence.

He was curled on the cold floor of his quarters. He'd been there for hours this time, dead eyes staring at the wall, seeing _his _face, _his _hands, _his _smile, hearing _his _laugh. It was a torture like he had never known before. How could one man's life, one man's… death… fill him up and drain him out? The empty space inside was like nothing he'd experienced. It overwhelmed him, consumed him.

There was nothing left in him. He'd barely made it back to his- _their_- quarters after it happened before he broke. He'd screamed and thrashed, breaking anything he could get his hands on, tearing at books, slamming equipment into the walls, the window, the door controls… Finally he'd collapsed in the midst of everything he'd destroyed, barely noticing the broken glass that bit into his knees. There was nothing left. Nothing mattered anymore, and _he _wasn't there to hold him above the surface.

What killed him more than anything else was that he could have prevented it. Fishing wouldn't have been that terrible, really, and why should he have cared that people had been wondering about them? There'd been whispers, gossip; they spent too much time together, argued like a couple in the mess hall, and isn't that weirdly funny? Ha ha.

He did care. Or he thought he'd cared. He'd made excuses, run off to prove his manliness by trying to reaffirm that he was dating Dr. Brown, and because of that, he'd lost the light, the love of his life.

There were no more tears, but that just made the sobs more painful.

TBC?


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **Can't (part 2)  
**Author: **Gypsy Lupin-Black  
**Disclaimer:** If I owned Stargate, they probably wouldn't be suitable for general consumption.  
**Rating:** PG-13, perhaps R later?  
**Pairing:** Rodney McKay/Carson Beckett  
**Warnings:** Extreme ANGST. Character death.  
**Spoilers:** Sunday

Someone had to clean out his quarters. He knew that, knew that John was planning on doing it in a couple days. Right before the funeral. Right before they carried him back to Earth, back to Scotland. To his mother, his family. Away from Atlantis, away from Rodney.

He'd found himself in Carson's quarters that afternoon. He took his time, slowly folding the clothes Carson left there for appearances, packing the fishing gear into a crate, stripping the bed, smelling him on the sheets, in the clothes. He couldn't feel anything, moved on autopilot, completely numb.

Then he found the framed picture of the two of them, walking in a field right before he and Cadman got scooped up by the Wraith dart. He picked it up, stared at it. Carson had been happy, laughing, teasing him, keeping up the façade that they were only friends. _"You have a date, Rodney? With a woman?" _He'd laughed for Cadman's sake, but had given Rodney a slow, secretive smile when her back was turned.

He was still staring at the picture when the door opened. Ronon was only trying to help, but Rodney couldn't really talk to him. Elizabeth had cornered him the day before, had asked him to go see Heightmeyer, but he couldn't do that either. When Ronon left, Rodney stayed in the packed up room, as barren as he felt inside. He stared at the crates that held a man's entire life.

He kept the picture, kept a homemade blanket, a couple of his shirts. The photo sat on his bedside table, between the one of his sister and niece and the one of his cat. He put the shirts in his closet, then curled on the bed under Carson's blanket, nose buried in its folds.

He stared at the picture for over an hour.

***

On the day of the funeral, John came to see him. He didn't speak, just sat with Rodney for a while. Finally, he muttered something about going to check on Teyla in the infirmary, and he left. Rodney barely noticed.

He wasn't sure how he got through his speech, staring at the flag draped coffin. He'd buried himself, let his mouth go on autopilot, his chest ached, burned, but his voice stayed fairly steady. Walking back to his place with the pallbearers, his hand brushed the side of the coffin and he nearly stumbled. He kept his eyes straight ahead, couldn't look, couldn't see. What else could he do?

Elizabeth gave a very nice speech, John told him later, but at the time he wasn't listening. He stared at the box that held his lover, and drifted back to that day, to the aborted fishing trip. He'd been so happy to get out of it, had been let off the hook so easily that he just knew Carson was going to make him 'pay' for it that night. He'd been looking forward to it.

Everyone had been so happy that day. Even he had not felt too weird to be away from the labs. It had made for a nice change. He'd been with Katie when he heard the first explosion.

The bagpipes and the kawoosh of the gate brought him back to the task at hand. He and John shared a look, stepped forward, one of Carson's doctors, Radek, Ronon, and Lorne all following. Standing beside Carson, he almost couldn't do it. Almost couldn't pick up the coffin, step through the gate. He owed him this and so much more though.

They'd been talking about taking some leave, going back to Earth so Rodney could meet Carson's family. Now he was going to. But it wasn't the same. Gripping the coffin so hard his hand ached, he and John nodded to each other.

They took Carson home.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: **Can't (Part 3)

**Author:** Padfootthegrim AKA Gypsy Lupin-Black AKA Merrov

**Disclaimer:** If I owned Stargate, they probably wouldn't be suitable for general consumption.

**Rating: **PG-13, perhaps R later?

**Pairing: **Carson Beckett/Rodney McKay

**Warnings: **Extreme Angst, character death

**Spoilers:** Seasons three and four.

**Archived in: **my livejournal, fanfic net, and wraithbait. Crossposted on LJ to Atlantis_Slash, Atlantisfic, beckett_mckay, notmcshep, sga_noticeboard, and stargate_fanfic

Things happened fast after that, and Rodney had other things to focus on. He supposed he should have been grateful for that, but when every new day brought about a crisis of its own, it brought with it its own kind of stress. He wasn't sleeping much, and the new CMO got on his nerves. She was attractive enough, but he found himself wondering how far she'd gotten on looks alone in med school. He tried to keep those thoughts at bay though. He knew most of it was bitterness at having such a blatant reminder of who was missing.

He thought he was maybe getting a handle on things. Nights were still torture, and sleeping pills did little to help, but over all, things were maybe looking up.

Then the Repilcators attacked, and they lost Elizabeth.

Another funeral, another reminder. A new planet, another near death experience (or five), and it was all things he'd never have someone to talk to about it. He buried his nose in his work, focused on the off world missions, and argued with Radek. John had RC cars brought from Earth. He souped the cars up, they raced, and taunted and snarked at each other. They developed a tradition of 'beer on the pier,' where John drank and they chatted about everything, but really it was nothing at all.

Sam Carter became the new leader of Atlantis. John got captured by a hot chick with a superiority complex and a lot of ships. Everyone got an infection and lost their memory.

Rodney hated that bit most of all. He'd backslid quite a bit during that. One of the few things he'd never forgotten was Carson's face. He didn't know who he was, but Carson's smile was always with him, and he remembered hoping that when he remembered everything, he could tell him how much he had helped him cope. Then he'd remembered who Carson was. Remembered that he was gone. Remembered how, and why.

Rodney didn't come out of his room for two days, subsisting entirely off Powerbars and stashed MREs, staving off intrusion by emailing research and progress reports to Carter and Radek. Finally pulling himself back together, he emerged, drew his usual attitude around himself like a cloak, plastered his smirk back on his face, and went about his duties. He hoped no one had figured it out, but he thought maybe his team had.

Carson's voice still whispered in his ear at night. "I'll be right back," he promised.

Rodney squeezed his eyes shut and tried to block it out.

Davos the seer had seen right into him, which was pretty disconcerting. He didn't believe in things like psychics, not one iota. But something about Davos made him look twice. He'd taken Rodney's hand, showed him a vision, a possible future, whatever. Rodney had seen what Davos saw. The look in Davos' eyes when Rodney pulled his hand away told him that it had gone both ways. Davos had seen into Rodney's mind. His eyes were gentle on Rodney after that, no matter what Rodney said about Davos' so-called 'abilities.'

His sister had gotten kidnapped, and of course it was a nanite/Replicator problem. Rodney had wished more than once that Carson had been there to help. They managed, and Rodney saved the day again (ok, Jeanie helped), but the ache in his chest was worse after it was over. He'd never even told his sister that he was bisexual, that he'd had a lover. Rodney hated the thought that he was the only person who had seen Carson the way he had. They'd never shown anything to anyone else, no one had seen the fond expression Carson gave him when Rodney was spouting his genius. No one had…

Again, things went a little crazy, but that was life on Atlantis. Elizabeth came back, there were doubles of himself, John, Teyla and Ronon. Back in the city, he buried himself in work, trying not to think about Elizabeth, about Carson. Radek tried to help, but if Rodney started talking, he knew he wouldn't stop, wouldn't be able to hold back anymore, and he _had_ to hold back. Radek was a good friend, Rodney realized. He took Rodney at his word, didn't push. He let him know that he was there, and let it drop.

Rodney was absurdly grateful to him for that.

After the Replicators were destroyed, he realized it had been a little over six months since Carson had died. On a blessedly quiet night after this revelation, he found himself knocking on John's door. Sitting on the pier that night, Rodney took the beer John offered him.


End file.
